Why Chemistry?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot… why did I choose Chemistry as my major…

I’ve been successful in every class I’ve taken so far, but I chose chemistry because it came a little more naturally to me than the other subjects, though it also challenged the shit out of me.

The more chem classes I took, the more I yearned to take. Crazy, right?

The concepts of chemistry just make sense to me. Be it gas laws, or intermolecular forces or classification of molecules based on structure, all those things are explained by concepts that just make sense to me.

I don’t know why I’m so drawn to Chemistry. It’s challenging and also easy to problem solve. The more I learn, the more I can think of more questions. I just love my field.

I hope to learn everything there is… and soon be able to answer the questions I have through research.

I don’t know why I like Chemistry so much… but I do know that it is the subject I was meant to study, and it is going to help me do my life’s work.

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He calls me and doesn’t say shit.

And sometimes I get some crazy “mhm”. I asked him one time, “why do you call me to not say anything”? And he says, “because I need your presence”.

Just now, he did that shit again, and it made me just stop talking. It made me feel like he wasn’t listening to me, or didn’t care about what I was saying. I confronted him, and he said, “I’m just listening”. And I told him, “maybe you should respond then instead of giving me that condescending mhm”. And he’s like, “I just didn’t have anything I needed to say, and how is it condescending?”. I told him it made me want to stop talking when he does that, and said something that I can’t remember… but approximately 3:30 of the call, I excused myself off the phone by saying “I’ll call you back”. He says, “if it’s going to be more than 10 mins, I’ll text you when I’m done.

I said fine, text me. Then before I hung up, he said “mmmhhhmmmmm” in a SUPER condescending voice.

It’s like he wants me to get angry or something. Seriously.

At this point, I’m just getting annoyed. It seems like he really doesn’t consider how I feel, or doesn’t really care that much. It hurts my feelings.

Then the nigga has the nerve to ask me if we are ok… have you been living under a fucking rock?

I decided that putting in unnecessary effort is basically wasting a lot of time and energy… so I’m going to leave it to him.

I just really want to know that we are on the same page, but he won’t even give me the slightest indication. He told me that I should let things happen naturally… but how can they when you don’t say a fucking word?

So now, I think I need to take it down a couple notches. I’m obviously taking things a little more seriously than I should maybe…

we’re both exclusively seeing each other; that doesn’t mean that we are in a relationship.

It’s too early to tell. We’ve only been hanging out for a month. I’m willing to wait it out because I KNOW I have feelings for him… I just really don’t know what he thinks or feels.

That’s why when I said that shit about sleeping with another man, I was a little surprised that he was angry by that. It shows that he really does want me all to himself… but does he really?

It could be that I’m just momentary fun for him. He tells me all the time that the sex we have is very different from anything he’s ever been used to. Maybe I just feed his curiosity.

The last time we had sex, I noticed that he wasn’t able to last that long. He told me that my pussy makes him want to stay in there for as long as possible, and he almost came inside of me.

I told him that he has to get used to it and come up with a strategy that will help him deal with how good my shit is.

Obviously, if we used condoms, this probably wouldn’t be an issue… but I don’t really like condoms. If I’m going to fuck with you for a long period of time, I would rather not use one.

Plus, god it is so much better without one.

I guess we’ll see how this goes. I am really nervous about things, but I’m also optimistic…

I asked a simple question…

Has my butt gotten bigger lately?

Goddamn it, my ass looks like it’s busting out of any pair of pants I try to wear. Sweatpants, fucking forget it.

I asked him,

“Has my ass gotten bigger lately?” He says, “you have a scab on your knee and another scab on your left and right ankle, that’s all I pay attention to. I try to pay attention to you and not your body”.

Ugh, except, you’ve seen me naked.

Answer the fucking question without having to prove you’re whatever.

I guess I will keep doing whatever I’m doing.

So…

Tuesday night he slept over. We didn’t have class on Wednesday. The night before we were studying in the library and having a grand ol’ time until the weekend came up.

He said that he was really hurt about some of the things I said, which included pondering having sex with another guy. I was blacked out, and I don’t even remember.

I asked him if I was in friend zone now, and he told me that I haven’t been in friend zone since the first day I care to his house. (Wish I knew this)

Then, I dropped him off at his house, and asked him for a kiss. He declined and I became really angry. He told me that we would talk when I got home.

I asked him if he wants to do this anymore, if he still likes me anymore, if he thinks differently of me because I said dumb shit when I was drunk.

He said no… he just needs time. He never said he didn’t want anything.

I told him if he continues to push away, I’ll eventually leave. And he called me a million times until I answered.

We had a short convo.

The next day, I was trying to have an excuse to see him, so I asked him to bring me some food. He did, late at night. He slept over, and we didn’t have sex.

The next morning, he went home. Maybe an hour or two after, he called me and asked me to go to the mall with him to pick out a suit for the UN eboard. Then go to his house and help him clean his room.

I said yes, and I was helping him pick a suit out… kinda like his girlfriend or something. Lol

He picked one out, and will go get the other one on Friday.

Then we went to his house, his room was ungodly. He said it was because No females have been in there (mainly referring to me since he’s been at my house most of the time)

We cleaned, watched Absentia.. and sex happened.

God he’s so amazing in every way. Intellectually, physically, sexually, he can work on the emotional part a little… he tends to not show much.

I would’ve stayed over if I didn’t have physics lecture at 8:45 am. He did FaceTime call me this morning, and we talked about Random Show (I think). He told me to check my glucose, and told me how cold it was in his room because he usually clings to me when we’re sleeping because I’m warm.

But, possibly this weekend I’ll stay over for one or two nights. Who knows? Depends on how far I get with my work.

I’m starting to notice that he’s acting more like he likes me now then he did before. Before, he was a little standoffish. It seemed like he was cautious.

There’s a connection there. I can’t truly explain it… it’s just there. I don’t know. I just find that he meets all of my needs in every category of need.

He really listens to me and the things I say. He remembers a lot. I’m not used to men that don’t just want to have sex wth me, but want to know things about me.

I’m just really happy to have him.

In a drunken rage…

I suppose I told this nigga to leave and that there are many men that want to have sex with me.

Lol I don’t even remember this, but he was very upset when we woke up and he told me I threw my phone at him and was acting crazy and a bunch of shit.

I asked for his forgiveness, but he’s very annoying. He doesn’t say shit… he just listens.

Maybe I need a break? Breaks almost always mean that shit is done. If he can’t forgive me then that’s what it has to be. I don’t have time!!

I guess we’re studying tonight. Lord help me, I tried to tutor the nigga in Chemistry while drunk and couldn’t convert a Km to m. Horrible…

So last night was the silver lining…

All the way sans rubber again. Twice.

So basically I told him, please don’t stick your dick in other bitches and then come to me raw.

He shook his head and said, “when do I even have time to do that… you know everything I do.”

We drank sangria and Chardonnay.

He took me to breakfast this morning. We unintentionally ordered the same thing.

Gave me a kiss before he went off to work.

That was it. Sex was willllldddd.

Whilst

Laying in MY bed talking with him, he revealed that, to be sexually attracted to someone, he needs to be attracted to their minds. No mental attraction, no physical. True sapiosexual.

He really didn’t reveal much, except his past relationships and his breakups. He still speaks to his ex, whom they had an amicable break up.

Similarly, Raymond and I still speak, though sometimes I feel he’d rather not hear about my man problems.

I told him that he was confusing. But I also told him that he was different. He says that he wasn’t plotting on the pussy. He really wanted to get to know me. He made it a point to learn about my culture and heritage, and also wanted to be different than the other people I’ve ever dealt with.

I’m not sure what is an appropriate feeling…

He told me that when I top him it’s like a euphoric rush, comparable to eating something that tastes really good.

We talked about the things we like or don’t like sexually. He have similar tastes. Our sex is off the chain, that’s for sure. He got a huge cum stain on my sheets, which I will have to wash when I get home.

He only bought 3 condoms, I think we used at least 2. He’s better able to handle me when he has a rubber on, for obvious reasons.

I can’t believe I’m so early in my move and I’m already feeling this dude…

We got into a fight this morning because I told him he was lying about something. He told me that if I trusted him, I wouldn’t continue to think he’s lying. It was kinda stupid. I wrote him a little note and packed it with him lunch which he took to work today.

I’m even more confused now than I was before…

He leaves these fucking grey areas which I wish he would just make black or white. It’s like I’m guessing what he’s thinking, and he told me that I don’t need to know what he’s thinking. It’s just that, you know when someone is feeling you, and sometimes he acts that way, while other times I’m just really not sure.

I keep the friend part in play. Even though he is a friend by definition, I still feel loyal to him, and even asked fucking Phillipe if he would just come for the day because I don’t want to share my bed with any other nigga.

Maybe I’m just leading with expectations as he’s told me, and I should take things for what they are and what they develop into.

I just don’t want to get hurt.