I really can’t even fucking believe it.

Let me not jinx anything because I’m an idiot, but now I know where his head is at.

So, I ran into him while I was coming out of the library. He asked how I was doing, I told him that he looked good in the color he was wearing. he cheesed hard and said, “you’re just trying to make me smile”.

Then he asked how I was doing, he said he was a little bored, but he was going to be starting school again soon. (I think he’s in a graduate program)

Then, he said and I quote, “this maybe a little inappropriate, but do you want to hang out some time?”

I can’t even remember how I reacted, but I was super shocked. I said yes, and asked him, “this weekend, next weekend”. He said “anytime”. 

My life is like a movie, I swear. BUT THE BALL IS IN MY COURT NOW, and I hate having that amount of “power”. I’m always talking about rejection, and how I fear it, but sometimes I’d much rather be rejected so I can be stagnant. 

Ughhhh. I should text him like soon. But I don’t want to be a pest. I talked to Ray about this crush, and he has been giving me some advice.

I’m still trying to figure out why he asked me, today, of all days. He’s intelligent as fuck, he probably figured me out. I’m uber (I can’t even use this word in school in that context anymore) excited…

Now, when will I have free time? Should I take a day or two off? What does he even want to do? Does he just wanna fuck? He seems to be the only man to ever straight up tell me that he thought I was intelligent, maybe he wants to pick my brain. 

He’s a man though, I know he wants to fuck. I need to be myself, though he knows me pretty well. He’s just pretty perfect and I really don’t want to fuck shit up. 

There’s a lot of risk involved on his end, so maybe I’d understand any apprehension that he may have. 

I wonder if he thought it out, or had been thinking of it. 

Sometimes good things happen, I just have to be confident.

Pure Fucking Africa : The Last Time

I’m a very smart girl, but lately Ive been allowing a lot of dumb shit to happen.

I’ll see something I want and let it pass right the fuck by… it might be absolutely inappropriate when you’re ranked there, and I’m just here. 

Just to be able to really pick your brain without any of those fucking restraints. I know you can keep me interested, since you’ve been doing it for an hour and a quarter past. 

The problem is that I’m not having sex with you; the problem is that sex is made better when my fucking partner is intelligent.

 It’s not that good when i’m having regular casual sex with this dude, and although you are good looking and have the D like woah, you can’t use it BECAUSE YOU CANT LAST FOR LOBGER THAN 20 FUCKING MINUTES.

Happy Birthday, that’s it.

I’m gonna try and be professional, but a year and three months is long. I have to wait. I have to try? 

Watch me wait this whole time, not say a damn thing, allow this to build until I go fucking crazy, just for him to be already taken. 

Kill me.

Pure Africa can’t handle me. You have to be in shape to slay the kitty, and he’s just a little out of shape, and gets so close, but can’t. 

“I didn’t think I was gonna cum”, MOTHER FUCKER, you CUM EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME.

For the past 6 months, I haven’t came once unless I made myself. These niggas are so fucking wack.

******, are you different?

Happy Birthday.

You are
completely oblivious to
who i am
absolutely obvious
what else would two
humans in their prime
do when they’re alone
with a little time
in the room, park,
car, bed, imagination?
the Death of my defense mechanisms,
and all that abstract shit.
Something changed 
when i realized that you were different (to me)

If Young Metro don’t trust you, I’m gonna shoot you.

Butterflies are a social construct.Ain’t nobody feelin’ no mother fucking butterflies. I’ll say, “butterflies” is infatuation telling your stomach to stop being a dumbass. So my lack of butterflies and aloof demeanor is totally a good thing.

What is being  aloof when there’s a structure all around you telling you what to do? It’s like I’ve been practicing my lack of surprise or action for a long time, so just standing there is just me excuting the shit that I’ve learned.

I’m conditioned to see you and not get excited, but get all excited in my brain and say dumb shit or random shit or nothing at all. I’m conditioned to not be able to think clearly, and look at you like THAT NIGGA. 

I feel like a fucking rat in a cage,
like a bitch that’s car sick
with cabin fever tryna break outta that space.
but i’m patient, i’ll wait.
Though not acting on it could keep me in a futile race
where the real test is the time I’ll
waste.
There’s really nothing I can do,
but count to tenth letter.

The Kicker!

If I was brave,
I’d dump all this abstract shit.
I would let you know what i am thinking
believing, feeling, all those perceptive things.
I would act like i could feel something,
which i totally do, if its mutual.
If i was brave, i’d start killing my defenses,
and stop planning my own funeral;
I swear You’d keep your position
the day i fucking ever say something.

The Day of the Week

Today, after a long, drawn out conversation,  I realized that I am a hypocrite. 

I’m a hypocrite because in this conversation, this person was telling me all I wanted to hear, “I’m the kind of man that just views you for what’s between your ears, not what’s between your legs”. However, I just couldn’t give him the same consideration. It could be because our minds don’t align, or maybe I just don’t find him attractive, but if I want to be viewed a certain way, maybe the problem is that I’m not giving people the same respect.

I mean, I’ve never said I was the most open minded. I am highly opinionated. I do have all this bullshit criteria. And that’s the fight I have with myself: keep an open mind, or have incredibly high standards (that only keep me happy on hump day).

Pure Fucking Africa 

I have no idea what his “break” was all about. Whenever either one of us wanted a break, we just said that we couldn’t. Or as I did, just ignore his texts. 

Idk why he made it a deal, so now I’m a little sketched out. It may be a girl, which I would really feel awful about. He’s a momma’s boy, and he hangs out In Lakeside  a lot. 
He continued to text me during the “break” about weed or something which was normal, until the other day he snapped me saying sour diesel with a picture of him. I was hiping that maybe only girls were seeing this shit. Lol idk.

Then yesterday, I got some weed from him and he gave me a lot of weed for $20. While he’s trying to explain why he gave me so much MORE weed than usual, he said “cause I know how these dudes are. They don’t give you a good amount.” Whatever, I wasn’t listening, I just wanted to get the fuck up oUlta there because I have nuggets of weed chilling in my cup holder.

Then, he hit me up later on. Seriously… two weeks?

Of course, I have my period, but I think I may continue to ignore him. Depends on how I feel. I hope he’s been practicing during this “break”.

Edit:

I know that I should say no, but he’s been obviously waiting. I can ignore him after,